Let me tell you the story of a girl


The first six years of her life:


She grew up knowing no one but her mommy
and daddy
and little tiny brother


Her mommy and daddy really
really loved each other.
They both brought her up
learning that each night
before you go to bed
you have to kiss both your mommy and daddy
goodnight


One day her mommy and daddy had to catch a flight
and leave her and her tiny brother with their granny
who wasn't used to kissing her own children
before they went to bed


This little girl's mother
when she was little
instead of having a mommy
to take care of her
she had a nanny
that would tuck her into bed
and give her a peck
on her little forehead


This little girl then learned
that her daddy grew up
without his own mommy
and that when he was fourteen
his mommy had to leave
because something very mean
invaded her body


Then this little girl
grew up some more
and met her very first
friend
whose mommy and daddy's life
had to come
to an early end

This little girl had a friend
who was a boy
and both their mommies
talked a lot
One day his mommy's
eye
was black
and this little boy
left his home
and to this very day
he never came back.


Now this little girl
whose parents had taught
that the world was made of everything nice
she started to doubt
that little thought
and that everyone's friends
had two parents
and love
was not
what everyone
was brought
up with.


So the little girl,
our little friend
was once good at maths
until high school algebra
dragged her into a most perplexing world
of Xs and Ys



and that was the sort of change she could handle.

Until she started to ask why

Why was everything changing so fast



This little girl kept growing
and seeing
all the good in the world
as it went by
and waved
goodbye


For years
She watched as the sky
told her that she'll never live on a cloud
and
she saw her mother scream
and her father cry
and

she had her first bad dream

and in high school she failed her 

maths test

and 

her best

friend

was in blood

and she held her hand

in an ambulance

and suddenly

everything

didn't seem very nice

when she was in a room

that was very very dark

and someone had just died

and she couldn't cry

This little girl

who wasn't little anymore 

watched the world change

and it wasn't as easy to handle

as those Xs and Ys

and she always asked why

Until one day

she got very

very angry

and smashed a plate

to the ground

and a remote control 

into her not so tiny brother's

head

and there was blood

and she laughed

and had no fucking clue who she was

at this moment

the world was no where

near nice

Let's draw this little girl
in our minds
and put hair over her head
and let's call her she
She is me.

She is me
and she used to
run and kiss her mommy
before she went to school
but now I don't tell
my mother how
much I love her
anymore

and she used to love
so much
and I
have no clue
what love feels
like to you
because to me
love used to be
this drum
that beat
against the walls of my heart
that robbed me
of sleep
at night
and now
I sleep like a baby
because love
stopped striking
and the beat
is dead
and
every night
I crawl into bed
and
whisper to the sky
and wish
that I'd be
this little
girl
one
more
time.






     

A Compilation of Things I've Been Told

I remember being a little girl in a big family. I was the only one of my age and I've been told that I was quite the extraordinary child. It still brings me pride. Now, I remember being a little girl and listening to a lot of talk from mighty big people. They told me that I was the wisest person in a room full of grown-ups and they told me that I needed to cut back on chocolate and potato chips because my belly was getting bigger.

Then I started school, my mother made sure I had a sufficient supply packed in my lunchbox for break-time and I liked those sandwiches she gave me and I really wanted to make friends. No one liked me because I spoke too much and said things that weren't necessarily true in nature, but they were rather interesting. It didn't matter anyway, because they decided to make fun of my chubby cheeks. They told me that they didn't want to be friends with me.

I grew up some more and I was always one of the smart students in our class. Our English teacher wasn't the nicest person alive, to me at least, I took it that she didn't fancy me much because, to her, I was the second smartest girl in class. One time, I was engaging in friendly side-talk with the smartest girl in class and the teacher caught us. She looked at me and told me that she was extremely disappointed. I really hated her.

By the end of that scholastic year, I was in four plays that were to be performed in front of all our parents. My friend's mother walked up to me and said, "Now we know where you'll be in twenty years."

Today, I am a Theatre student.

More time passed and every family gathering was a four-hour medley of, "you'll be something big one day," and "you're a pretty girl but you'll be prettier if you just shed twenty pounds off."

I've only gained weight.

Then I turned eighteen and remembered all the times my grandmother told me she loved me and I started wondering why someone would say something they don't mean, so I just stopped telling her that I love her back.

It really hit me when I turned nineteen and a boy told me that I feel strongly about all the wrong things. He said it as if feeling strongly is a vice that I would be better off without then he smiled at me and I felt like a little girl again and he was a mighty big person.

I felt strongly about him.

Now, I've been told a number of things and some of which I cannot mention here because someone will read them and they'll either call me to apologize or elucidate and I've heard enough.

I don't have much to say now, but I remember being told that I'm good with endings; writing them.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'll have to end this on a rusty note.

Barcelona

She's big. The smaller parts of her are my favourite. I got lost in them several times and even though I've been there several times before I still get lost because somehow she leads me through her wide and narrow and big and small parts and every part. She's big and she shows me around every bit of her and when you think you know her so well, so well, she brings you to a new part that is as charming as the rest of her. She's infinite; she never rests; never sleeps; never stops. She is always.
At night, she dances and sings, and it's almost as if you are caught on camera and the soundtrack's there, it's always there and you have no idea how she does it. When she dances, oh dear god, it is beautiful and everyone around her dances along and sings along and you are caught in the magnificence of it all; of her.
It's amazing how she can make you feel there; unconstrained and unrestrained and light on your feet and happy. She makes you happy. She makes me genuinely happy; just being with her.
I like her when we wake up together and rise and shine, here's a new day with her; we can go to the beach, we can walk in the street, we can sit and watch people cross to the other side and wish we were them.
She's helped me find something; an untamed passion. I feel a bundle of things when I am with her, I cannot describe it. When I move in her she moves in me and I forget that there exists the rest of the world.
We met in 1995, and I was born in 1996. I've seen her rain in August and drown in November, I've seen her hot in July and I've seen her every month of the year and I love her in all the ways she can be.